who I was

When I was drinking, I was what I would now self describe as violently unstable. Not towards others. Like fighting or physically abusive. Just "really ungrounded". My moods and reactions were inconsistent. Boisterous and arrogant. Not really funny. I was just a big, often drunk guy who liked to party and get people happy. But sometimes an absolute asshole. I think my ex put up with the negatives because the positive times were so good. It always turned dark though. The pressures of reality were always there. Life wasn't good, and I was never as cool as I believed I was. 

Fast forward to present day. I'm 4yrs sober, middle aged, and in mediocre health. In another dysfunctional relationship. Just flopping around, generally failing at work and relationship things. Waiting. To. Die. 

Why? 

I'm pessimistic. Ungrateful. Resentful. Bitter. Condescending. Critical. Narcissistic. I project my feelings on others. I don't listen. I have anger issues. And a multitude of other "charming" personality traits. 

Still tryin an lying to be a nice, likeable guy. 

I'm not going to do it anymore. I'm going to break my addiction to any kind of joy in my life once and for all. I'll take my heart attack, stroke, or incurable cancer. Perhaps a terrible accident. Anything but waking up from a bad dream into THIS reality. 

If I died right now, it'd be a few hours till someone found the body, charged my phone and used my corpse-finger to unlock it  you'd think I'm suicidal. I'm not. I just suck at life and don't want to do anything about it anymore