Much of my happiness in life has been dependent on connection with others.
Existentially wrong, I believe we are supposed to be connected. In fact, the psychology experts say even during an existential crisis, we are to seek out others. Receptive, empathetic, people who will listen. Also to seek a connection with a special someone. All of this to lessen the despair and loneliness of those "God, why am I even here?" moments.
Many people will go to the end of their lives, "living for" or relying on others, and with the exceptions of maybe getting our kids grown up, off to college, etc. This isn't healthy, or what I'm talking about. And I'm not talking about being dependent on God. I get that...
It's about the biblical model of growing up, becoming independent, leaving your parents care, finding your partner, committing to the relationship, working at it, dealing with and excepting that it's not perfect and people and situations change, then coping with the injuries as best we can until we die and go to heaven...
Alone? Sure. With God? Awesome.
Problem is, me, seeking another human connection right now is somewhat less than ideal. Seeking God, first, only and always is best. I wish it was that easy. God will not meet me here in the physical world. The Devil is here and willing to meet me anywhere for a drink, and a roll in the hay.
Ask anyone IN a relationship, and they'll say you don't need anyone else. Ask anyone else who has been here, where I am, and they just shake there heads, and probably offer to buy you a beer.While I agree, I don't need or want anyone to "fix" or fall in love with I would like somebody to love "with" besides myself. God gave me the capacity to love someone more than myself, more than they loved themselves even.
Respect. For myself and others. Honoring those relationships; friends past and present has been very difficult. I've had to set some really good boundaries to survive, but I may have also "walled myself in" a bit. It has become exceedingly difficult to get back to "normal" (what I thought was normal, was not).
I've had to cut some people off. I can't even allow contact with some people who's own selfishness paired with a lack of self respect would cause damage in their relationships and to me. Present me would say to past me: "Ya got two choices friend. Either fix the relationship you're unhappy with, or get hell out. For Christ's sake! Stop doing things to make it worse. And have enough self respect to walk away from that toxic pit of dysfunction you call love"
I didn't hear that, or accept that it was true so many years ago when a buddy from church heard my story and rather bluntly, prophetic almost told me what would likely happen if I stayed in it. My stupid pride. Last vestiges of a false sense of self-worth.
Today. I'm free. But I've done a great job making my own little walled city behind my boundaries. But it's not only keeping other people out, but It's keeping me in. And I'm not out living in God's Grace, and not letting his love bear fruit in my life. I've largely isolated myself. It's really difficult to "get back out there" in life, knowing that I'm going at it alone. It's hard to see the value I have if it's just for me, and I don't dig the self-centric philosophy that goes along with that.
Jesus said Love God with all your heart, mind and soul. It's the greatest and first commandment. The second is just like it. Love your neighbor the same as you love yourself.
God Loves Me, so I Love him. I gotta love me, and Love my peeps....
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